高考英语：五步突破高考写作

生词：compass 指南针 first-aid kit 急救包campus宿营地

平庸作文：

In the morning, Liming and I went to the campus. There were many things in my bag: bread, a map, a flashlight, a knife, clothes, and a first aid kit. There was a compass and a tent in my bag too. We climbed a mountain and crossed a river. We arrived at a forest and we were lost in it. We looked at the compass and went out of it at last. In the evening I arrived at the campus and had a rest. We felt tired, but very happy.

学员习作：

With the sun rising in the east, Li Ming and I started. In my bag lay a tent and a compass, while Li Ming carried bread, some candles, a map, a knife, a flashlight, clothes, and a first aid kit in his. As soon as we climbed up a mountain, we found that we had to cross a river before got to the campus. Then we put our bags on a wood board found on the bank and swam to the other side of the river. However we lost our way in the forest. But for the compass, we wouldn’t have got rid of the trouble. It was dark when we reached the campus. We prepared for dinner and rest. Tired as we are, we have learnt a lot from today’s experiences.

对比两篇作文，第一位同学语言功底不错，基本没有犯语法错误，但是从写作的角度来说，语言过于简单，有重复用词的现象，缺少语句间的衔接。而第二位同学用词较好，语言流畅，特别用到了虚拟，倒装等高级语法。下面我主要讲两篇文章的五处不同：

1. 第一位同学开始使用了In the morning而第二位同学使用了With the sun rising in the east代替了In the morning，明显高级了很多。再看这两篇第一句话的动词一个是went，一个是started，我相信大家都认识start但是到写作中首先想到的依然是go。这就是在新东方写作课上会重点解决的问题之一—在课上我们会就大家现有的词汇量出发。

第一步：在不去大量记忆新词的前提下，用出漂亮地道的词语，激活你的词汇。

2. 第一位同学的第二和三句话是两个重复的there be句型，而第二位同学使用了一个介词短语前置的倒装和变换句子主语巧妙的解决了这一问题。

第二步乾坤大挪移，句子变化。

3. 第一位同学的下一句很生硬的引出了爬山而且没有讲图中的内容要点写全。而第二位同学使用了一个时间状语从句的引导词as soon as和一个found引导的宾语从句完成了这幅图的描写。在写作中能够正确在一个句子中使用两个或以上的从句，会大幅提升阅卷老师的印象。

第三步，枯树新枝，延展你的语言。

4. 当描写到“在指南针的帮助下我们找到走出森林。”这层含义的时候。第一位同学只是简单用到looked at，而第二位同学使用了在新东方写作课上面学到的虚拟语气在文章中的应用：But for the compass, we wouldn’t have got rid of the trouble.(要不是指南针，我们不可能摆脱麻烦。)

第四步：我想我是鸟，虚拟语气。

5. 在结尾处两位同学不约而同的都用了一个表示转折的句子，第一位同学使用的只是一个but。而第二位同学使用了在新东方学到的替换恶心转折的两种方法的第二种，as结构。Tired as we are, we have learnt a lot from today’s experiences.(虽然我们很累但是我们从今天的经历中学到了很多东西。)

第五步：我很丑可是我很温柔，转折的魅力。